Obviously, when you find yourself pregnant after experiencing a miscarriage, you are filled with an unbelievable amount of fear. But as we all know fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering… Not really, but now at least you all know I am a Star Wars fan.
Each time I found myself pregnant, I tried to tell myself that I was going to push all doubts out of my mind and just not worry about anything until there was something to worry about. That works, but only up to a certain point. Usually up until it is 2 AM and you cannot fall asleep because your brain refuses to just shut off. That is when the little doubts creep their way in and you slowly start to become filled with fear, which leads to panic, which leads to you ordering a home fetal doppler to check that you still have a living baby inside you. (Ebay: $40, Peace of Mind: Priceless)
With my last pregnancy, which happily ended with us taking home our daughter, I told myself everything will be fine if we can just make it to our next ultrasound, then the NT Scan, then the second trimester, then until I can feel the baby kick etc. I was never satisfied once I reached any of these milestones. There was always a part of me that said, “Don’t get too comfortable, there is no guarantee that you get to have your baby at the end of all this.” That thought alone is why I HATE miscarriages so much. Not because they are terrible to go through from the mental and physical pain, but because you lose a big part of the joy of any future pregnancies you may have.
You no longer get to be the naive happy pregnant lady who is just so excited to have her baby. You become afraid to make plans, or finish decorating the nursery. God forbid something were to happen, and you have to come home to a house full of baby things with no baby to be found. You don’t want to pick out nicknames for your baby anymore (there were no peanuts, nuggets, or green beans this time around) it is just the baby. You guard your heart and keep yourself from getting too attached because you know how quickly it can all be taken away from you. People ask if you are excited, and sometimes you have to fake a smile because, yes you’re excited but also TERRIFIED.
Miscarriages suck. The fact that up to 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriages sucks. The fact that even though it is so common, yet you probably aren’t aware of anyone you know having one, until you go through it yourself SUCKS. So why don’t we share these losses even though it is so common?
I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know I kept my miscarriages mostly to myself for over a year because I felt like a failure. There was no reason why I shouldn’t be able to have a healthy baby. Yet, for some reason, my babies were dying. In my mind it couldn’t have been anyone else’s fault except my own. In reality it was probably something genetically wrong with the embryo. But you don’t blame the 8 week old embryo for dying, you blame yourself for not being able to keep the 8 week old embryo alive.
Here’s the good news, It’s not anyone’s fault. Sometimes these things are out of our control and they just happen to us. It also makes you even more grateful for the things you do have. I was happy for the family that I was surrounded with. I was happy for the health of my husband and myself. And when I finally became pregnant again, I was happy every morning I woke up with morning sickness. I would happily go through every ache and pain, all the fatigue, and lack of sleep all over again to experience the love that I feel every time I look at my baby girl. It made me incredibly grateful for my husband, and how he is able to be there for me through every hard moment in my life. I don’t know how I would have made it through the last 10 years if he had not come into my life.
I was so ashamed to share my story until one day, an acquaintance from college shared her miscarriage story on miscarriage and infant loss awareness day. I was pregnant with my daughter at the time, and I promised myself that no matter the outcome I would share my story the next year. I knew there were some family members that would be shocked and maybe a little disappointed that I hadn’t shared our struggles with them before I shared it with the world, but that was not what was important. What was the most important was sharing that almost half of all women have these stories. I didn’t expect to help anyone with my own story, but to my surprise I received a text from one of my oldest friends, thanking me for sharing. She too had experienced a miscarriage with her fiance, and told me how much better she felt reading about my experience.
I sincerely hope that no one else reading this would have ever to go through a miscarriage, if you already have, I am so sorry. Just remember however you feel, your feelings are valid, and they matter. If you can summon the strength, find someone to share your story with. You never know who may you may help in the process, or who may be able to help you through such a hard time.